Wednesday No. 2

So wednesday no.2 and I just feel stripped out of potential or rather actualisation. I seem to have spent half my life at least, being short of where I know I want to be. The other 49% has been being somewhere which is really pretty good for my abilities but not placing any value on it what so ever. 1% of the time I am grinning and happy to be where I am.

hell is not that you are where you find yourself, but in the lust to be somewhere else.

Round the cans, I felt I had no real communications channel and also that I couldn't get my head out of the boat. IN fact I couldn't get my head any further out than the pit!!

Apart from Tore, who was a bit overbearing, no one else seemed to get their head-out-of-the boat. Tore got the car settings wrong and didn't trim the jib in enough. He mismanaged the team work with G2 and had his weight off the rail too often. But I felt his breath down the back of my neck all night and hated the kind of authority he has in his voice and atmosphere.

But TG had a bad night too- he was distant and concentrating on a tight fleet with a narrow of narrow stupid lines. He was a bit barky with commands. Geir had forgotten his windward drop while we actually didn't need it, and they jerked away at the assym sheets killing the sail in the gybe.

Two take outs- one - where do I actually want to be? Can I get there now? Where is the most likely position to adopt and be successful in now and will i be happy comprimising there?

secondly - it is not just my own feeling- TG went and wrote up a whole SOP list by position that night. He is simialr to me in that he is a sales person with little man-management at work and doubts his own authority or is a little insecure so becomes a little defensive and instructive. I need to back out of his face and then get in under the cranium to be able to connect with him.

But at the end of the day, I was tired and suffering from clear signs of post- peri stress. I handled the main at about 75- 80% of my abilities and that means 110% given my tiredness! I was responsive to most calls and adjustments. It ain't my language and the helm was tired and stressed and inner focused himself.

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This year, what is achievable, is realistically down to the commitment I have made and balancing this with family and fitness training. So missing next wednesday is a good chance to get on the bike and also meet TG another time for a crew work discussion.

To make a mission statement this year I will consolidate on my experience on the 362 and 109 from last year and learn to take more cautious steps with language. I will most likely be in a position to influence boat speed and correct trim more than anything else. I will be content once established this foothold to work at this level and contribute to wins. I will however take any invitation to contribute to tactics and strategy. I will define responsiblity for crew management if it is still a requirment at least at the pit and controls end.


My ideal position is as a mentor-coach with crew management authority. To get there I need to be sailing dinghies more often and getting my head out of the boat more often. So this year I will get my head out the boat, while I need to make the step to sailing snipes or actually helming another keel boat.

My frustration factor comes with where I should "rightly be" and the area of making my own mess ups so as to learn from my own experience instead of playing second fiddle. Once again I seem to be creating an unnecessary gap in tbe confidence of others in me by my own worst efforts. These are mostly over-communicating and not learning to use channel open, channel shut type contact or actually sort of people whispering.


What I should be taking out of this is a usual big lesson in life which I still haven't learnt yet. Positivity and making a good effort reep unpredicted rewards in terms of what you get offered. It is actually my negativity, frustration and lack of patience which shows and holds me back in jobs as well. Putting a good foot forward and trying pays dividends.

I seem to be often held back by negativity and some sense of frustration which is all too visible in my aggression. Also my need for authoriatarian style is a weakness in lack of self confidence and ability to actually, put it blunt, win over or even dominate subordinates. In life outside university, my egalitarian nature works more against me than for me in a double bind- I don't respect authority or the system so don't get in, while also locking myself out by playing at the losers level.
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Upon some broader reflection I think it is positivity which should be my focus. I've enough grey hair now for positivity not to be taken as pure naievite and also I know to seek friends in a circle and not enemies. Scotland and tall poppies- they knock a lot of the natural enthusiasm out of you, wind right out the sails, because they are happiest grumbling along in a good deal of self pity and lazyness.

So I feel I have a reasonable playing field to get all this moving and a reasonable time frame. Location is another matter.